CHARACTERS

Lial - Business man, black suit, red tie, white undershirt, cuffed sleeves, brown styled hair, clean shaven

James - Lial’s Roommate, red pajama pants with holes in the legs, oversized pajama shirt, not shaven

SETTING

A small kitchen. A bowl of cereal sits on a table on the right. There is a fridge on the left, and a trash can in between the two. There is a counter in the back.

Lights come on to a small kitchen, a fridge, a can of trash, and a table with a bowl of cereal and a spoon on it. One man in pajamas walks to the table, holes in his pants. A man in a full suit and tie breathes on an apple, and cleans it with his sleeve.

JAMES

(Sniffing his cereal)

Nah, Nah, I know you didn’t do it.

It’s too early in the morning.

Why would you do it?

My breakfast is ruined.

You farted in my cereal.

LIAL

The milk must be bad.

I wouldn’t do that to you.

That shit is just cad.

JAMES

(Stands up and points at Lial)

Nah, this is just your kind of humor.

Don’t you dare lie to me you tumor.

I can smell the cheese.

The smell makes me quease.

You farted in my cereal.

LIAL

(Turns to James and puts the apple down on the counter)

Dude, you are being a jerk right now.

I am lactose intolerant.

You have to know how,

The milk from a cow,

Gives me stomach aches. You should calm down.

JAMES

(Gets in Lial’s face and points a finger at him)

Oh that’s bologna.

I saw you eat mac last night.

Stop lying to me.

LIAL

Bro, that was tofu.

I am watching my figure.

(Counting with fingers)

No carbs, no liquor.

JAMES

(Crazy Eyed, Hands up)

Oh, ho, ho, but I beg to differ!

I know you’ve had carbs and liquor.

(Pulls a beer can from the trash)

Beer cans in the trash,

Can you explain that?

(Squints and pushes a pointing finger into Lial’s chest)

These weak lies are making me sicker.

LIAL

You wanna talk trash? Ok, let’s go.

Those beer cans are from my girlfriend yo.

You wanna talk lies?

Drop this plain disguise.

You’re just mad I’m better than you bro!

JAMES

Better than me? Come on, that’s nonsense.

LIAL

(Counting with fingers again, and pointing at holes in James pants)

No boo, no job, and holes in your pants.

JAMES

(Grabs pants and shakes them)

These pants are lucky.

LIAL

They’re worth no money.

JAMES

So? You get money from your parents.

(Crosses arms)

I took you in when you had no cash.

Gave you food and a place to crash.

The least you could do,

Is just own up to,

Passing gas in my cereal.

LIAL

(Pushes James back)

I didn’t fart in your cereal!

This conversation is trivial.

I’ll be late for work,

So step off you jerk,

You’re so conspiratorial.

JAMES

(Punches fist into trash, and pulls out bowl, raising it into the air)

You wanna play games?

Cause I’m ready to play games.

(Wipes finger along shmuts in bowl)

LIAL

(Retching)

No, please. Stop it James!

JAMES

(Drops bowl to floor, and raises shmuts finger in front of Lial)

I will eat this shmuts.

And if you’re lying to me,

You will be kaputs.

(James takes finger and puts it in his mouth, wide angry eyes tearing up at two night old, dried trash cheese)

LIAL

James I farted in your cereal.

It’s not like it’s bacterial!

It was a mistake.

It slipped from my cake,

And I crop dusted your cheerios.

JAMES

(Crying angry tears)

Why would you do this?

Sprits my milky cereal,

With a stinky hiss?

LIAL

James, please, you have to understand.

It’s really funny. Take the hint man.

You caught me pants down,

Just clowning around.

We’re friends. No reason to throw hands.

JAMES

I ate garbage shmuts you asshole.

Stinky trash cheese that is two night’s old.

You should have been wise,

Admit to your lies,

Farted in my goddamn cereal.

LIAL

Look, I gotta go.

I’ll make it up to you bro.

Dinner at Chateau?

JAMES

No. Stay for breakfast.

I’m cutting off the exit.

(Picking up bowl of cereal)

Sit down and eat this.

LIAL

(Takes in a deep breath)

A victim of my own folly.

Paint my woes like Salvador Dali.

Committed the crime.

I’m paying the time.

Plug your ears, this could get squally.

Lial proceeds to gag his way into taking a bite of the cereal. James clears a path, and allows Lial to head to work. Lights go off. Scene ends.