Closet Encounters of the Third Kind
William Ferrari
Williammferrari@gmail.com
519 Fruit Street
CHARACTERS
Johnny - 56, Man, white mustache, cowboy hat, ranchers clothes, spitter.
Tom - 60, Man, clean shaven, trucker hat, holding a beer, overalls.
Alien - Unknown age, green, big black eyes, spacesuit, raygun
SETTING
Night time on a ranch. A small cabin in the background, a large barnhouse in the distance. A wooden fence sits on the front of the stage, and there is a dirt road behind it. In front is green grass.
Light on. The scene opens with Johnny and Tom leaning on the dirt road side of a wooden fence, Tom drinking from a beer bottle and Johnny spitting into a tin cup. The lights are dim, and there are soft cow noises and cricket sounds in the background.
JOHNNY
“How’s June?”
TOM
(Taking a short sip from his beer bottle)
“Right and dandy. You know she got elected for the board of selectmen?”
JOHNNY
(Spits in his spitter)
“Yep, saw it in the paper. Real excited for ya both. Tell her said congratulations.”
TOM
“I will. You know she’s been telling me about a friend of hers on the board. Real nice lady, single too.”
JOHNNY
“Hmm.”
TOM
“Well, she gots to talking about ya, and she wants to know if you’d be interested in going on a date?”
JOHNNY
(Takes a heavy sigh)
“Tommy, there’s something I wanted to talk to you about.”
TOM
“Something troubling you good buddy?”
JOHNNY
“Tom, you’ve been my friend for as long as I can remember, and I want you to know that at many times in my life, I felt like you were family.”
TOM
(Puts his hand on Johnny’s shoulder)
“I appreciate that brother. I know June and I feel the same way, and if something were to ever happen to us, I would want you to look after the kids for me.”
Tom takes his hand off Johnny's shoulder, leans against the fence, and takes another sip.
JOHNNY
“I know good buddy, but this is something real personal, I ain’t ever told another soul, not even my mama, bless her.”
TOM
“Well come on then big guy, I don’t think there’s nothing you could tell me that I wouldn’t know already.”
Tom begins to take a sip from his beer.
JOHNNY
“Tom, I’m gay.”
Tom chokes on his beer, the beer spilling from his mouth as he spits it back out.
TOM
“What?”
JOHNNY
“I’m gay Tommy. Been so since high school.”
Tom looks out into the distance, his face twisted in shock and confusion.
TOM
“Since High school? B-but what about Jackie from Theater class? Didn’t yall, you know?”
JOHNNY
“It’s impolite to kiss and tell, but I will say it was after meeting Jackie that I started developing certain feelings. I respectfully broke things off when I figured it out.”
TOM
“No, this doesn’t make sense, I’ve seen you bag at least a dozen girls!”
JOHNNY
“Nope, never once did. Far as we got was a good conversation and helping a girl back to her home if she was too drunk to drive.”
TOM
“Huh. I’m shocked, you never seemed like a … like a ….”
JOHNNY
“Like a queer. Lord knows I couldn’t tell my papi. You know what he woulda done. Hell, couldn’t even tell it to mama on her deathbed. I never felt more cowardice.”
TOM
“Hey, Johnny. Thank you for telling me. I’m sorry you couldn’t tell your Ma, but I’m sure she knew. Your mama’s always been smart like that.”
JOHNNY
“I hope so.”
TOM
“Johnny, you’ve always been a good friend of mine, and you’ve pulled my ass out of more fires than I can count. I just want you to know that-”
From stage right, an alien walks up to the boys and points a raygun at them.
ALIEN
“Alright boys, stick em up.”
Tom and Johnny stand from the fence and look at the alien puzzled.
ALIEN
“I said hands up motherfuckers, let me see those hands!”
Tom and Johnny both put down their things, and put their hands up.
ALIEN
“Good. Now I only need one of yas.”
TOM
“What the hell are you?”
ALIEN
“I’m an alien motherfucker, and you’re coming with me! Now why don’t you twos decide who's coming, and who's staying?”
JOHNNY
“What do you want from us?”
ALIEN
“The boys and I have been studying this planet for years, taking animals to the ship, putting trackers in em, and sending em back on down to find out which creature was the most superior race on this planet, and in every case, the creatures either hoarded towards or ran away from your species. Now that we know who’s the top dog on this planet, we need to study you.”
TOM
“Oh god. Oh no. You ain’t gonna dissect us or something? Are you gonna kill us?”
ALIEN
“Kill you?”
(The alien laughs to itself)
“No, no, no. We don’t need to dissect you or kill you. We just need to track you. Study your habits, your conversations. Learn as much as we need to know about your species and how your brains function. Easier to control something when you know EXACTLY how they work, you see? And I just need to take one of you’ze back to the ship so we can get that tracker up in ya.”
JOHNNY
“You want to put a tracker in us?”
ALIEN
“Of course. It’ll monitor everything about you, but we can only take one of you at a time, easier to keep the both of you in line if I only gotta take one in the first place. Plus, we only got one tracker on hand right now. Used most of the rest to track your cattle. No good no more.”
TOM
“How are you gonna put the tracker in us? A needle to the heart? Are you gonna stick some sorta alien bug in our brains? Or are yas gonna put something in our eyes so you can always see what we see?”
ALIEN
“How amusing, you humans are always worried about the same thing. Every time we take one of ya, you’re worried were gonna use some barbaric methods of torture to put our trackers in ya, but being the amazingly advance species we are, we’ve already discovered an easy and near painless way to track just about every creature on this planet.”
JOHNNY
“And what might that be?”
ALIEN
“We insert our trackers through the ends of your alimentary canal, where they stay in place until your body dies. According to our readings, once it’s in there, you can’t even feel it.”
TOM
“Johnny, what the hell’s an “alimentary canal”?”
JOHNNY
“He’s saying that he’s gonna use an anal probe.”
Tom stops, and slowly turns his head in Johnny’s direction. Johnny looks at Tom, who with wide eyes, gives a passing glance at the enemy, and a curt nod in Johnny’s direction.
JOHNNY
“Tommy, you wipe that fucking look off your face.”
TOM
“Listen Johnny, if there were ever a perfect opportunity …”
JOHNNY
“This ain’t no opportunity Tommy!”
TOM
“I’m just saying, maybe, one of us might be cooler with that than the other person?”
JOHNNY
“I don’t want no aliens watching my every move Tommy.”
TOM
“Yes, of course, I understand that. But…”
JOHNNY
“But nothing!”
TOM
“Well this case does involve a serious butt.”
JOHNNY
“I ain’t biting the bullet cause you don’t want a goddamn probe up your ass.”
TOM
“I don’t think either of us wants it, but you know.”
JOHNNY
“Oh, I know. Yeah Mister Alien. You can take him.”
ALIEN
“Well alright! Move it human scum!”
The alien grabs Tom by the neck, holds the raygun to his side, and begins leading him off stage right.
TOM
“No, Johnny, please! I’m not ready for this type of commitment!”
JOHNNY
“Don’t worry about nothing Tommy boy, just take the morning off. You’ll be choring with a hell of a limp tomorrow!”
The alien leads Tom off stage, and the lights go out. End scene.