SANTA

Hello everyone, thank you for coming. A lot of rumors about me have come to light in the last few weeks, and I am here today to address these rumors. I have lied. Not just to my wife, but to all of you, and to every child who writes to me every December, hoping for a little dolly or toy soldier. For the last 88 years, from 1931 to 2019, I, Christopher Nicholas Kringle, have stopped delivering toys to the public on the night of Christmas Eve. Every year, I load the toys made by the hard working and dedicated staff at Santa’s Workshop into my sleigh, fly to the North Pacific Ocean, and unload the entirety of my inventory into the Great Pacific Garbage Patch. I have learned that my actions have caused the lives of over 100 dolphins, whales, and countless sea creatures, and for that, I am sorry. But it doesn’t stop there. After depositing our toys, I then proceed to Las Vegas Nevada, where I have enacted adultery, abuse of narcotics, street fighting, public intoxication, and even acts of sexual perversion. Many of these nights have gotten away from me, and sometimes I wake up in entirely different cities or countries. I have cheated on my beautiful wife on several occasions, with exoctic dancers and hoe, hoe, hoes. I have also performed felatio with several males over the years. To my wife. I was wrong. I am sorry. To address the allegations made against me in 2017, I did perform what is known as the ‘Naked Mile Run’ through the halls of the Findlay Ohio, Walmart, an act which I knowingly allowed to be pinned on Mathew McLaurey, a mall Santa who was collecting for the Second Harvest Foodbank of the Mahoning Valley. While Mr. McLaurey has served jail time and has been ridiculed, mocked, and denied service and opportunities as a sexual deviant, I walked free and uncaring. To Mr. McLaurey, the citizens of Findlay Ohio, and the Second Harvest Foodbank of the Mahoning Valley. I was wrong. I am sorry. To address the allegations made against me in early 2020, and to address many speculations towards how I was able to still visit every house and take a bite of at least one cookie left out for me, I can no longer stay silent. In the 1970s, I signed a deal with the elusive group of business elites known as “Fathers Under Chris Kringle”, who paid me handsomely, and allowed me to continue a train of lies and abuse. Under the F.U.C.K, fathers were secretly paid to take one bite of a Christmas cookie, and sip a little bit of milk every night after their children went to bed. As a part of the detailed instructions, which I have released to the public, fathers were ordered to leave a large lip imprint on the glass where they sipped the milk, an abhorrent act of deception. Unbeknownst to me, the F.U.C.K sent agents into the homes of fathers who refused to take the deal. These agents would eat both cookies, and drink the whole glass of milk. What seemed to be a wholesome scene was but a scare tactic used on countless families to maintain their silence. This behavior is criminal, and it is behavior I endorsed and allowed to take place for far too long. To the many families who have suffered at the hands of the F.U.C.K. I was wrong. I am sorry. To address speculations about my actions in the 1930s, I did spend several Christmas Eve’s shipping pure grade Columbian cocaine from South America to several distributors around the world. These actions occurred on the curtails of the Great Depression, a time where I thought the world needed a little extra Christmas spirit. I thought everyone could use a white Christmas, and I tried to make that happen. Much like those many nights in Las Vegas, I too enjoyed the Christmas cheer, and found myself spending several nights wandering the world in a drug induced haze. In 1938 I found myself on such a binge in New Rochelle, New York, where Robert L. May and I strapped a flashlight to the nose of a reindeer calf and fed it cocaine. While this may have inadvertently inspired a great Christmas story, it also caused the destruction of multiple stores and family homes as the calf rampaged through the streets of New York. I would say I learned then, but unfortunately I had not. I spent several Christmases in the 30s and the 70s feeding drugs to my reindeer, but since the passing of Comet to a drug overdose in 1979, I have since stopped these actions. Starting today, I will be committing myself to Nova Scotia Rehabilitation Center. Our workshop will open up to the Federal Bureau of Investigations, who will conduct a thorough investigation on my affairs with the F.U.C.K. My workshop will begin to comply with Occupational Safety Hazard Association safety regulations, and my reindeer will be brought to the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals for care and protection until we can be trusted with them again. For all the people I have wronged, I am deeply ashamed. To all the families I have hurt, and to all the people I have lied to, I am sorry.